Adjusting to life with a newborn can be hard enough for most women. Imagine doing it while suffering from panic attacks, relentless insomnia and feelings of failure and anxiety.
This is what happened to Aimee after the birth of her second child. Most people have heard of postnatal depression, but few are familiar with its close cousin, postnatal (or postpartum) anxiety. This is a shame, given around 10% of Australians will be affected by an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives. I’m one of them. Maybe you are too.
In my first interview on the fountainside, Aimee shares her experience with postpartum anxiety…
Soph: How did postpartum anxiety begin for you?
Aimee: Looking back, I think I had mild postpartum depression (PPD) with my first child, P. I had a lot of problems with breastfeeding, my husband, PH, had a very demanding job that meant he was away from home most of the day, and P was quite an unsettled baby. However, I muddled my way through. By the time P was 5 months old I was enjoying motherhood and back to my normal self.
Our second child E’s birth was traumatic. It was sudden, felt out of control and was without medical support. As a result, I spent the next week having great difficulty sleeping and quickly started to feel anxious and overwhelmed. I also had a lot of fears relating to how difficult I had found things when my first was a newborn. I didn’t feel sad and I never cried, but rather felt like I was in a state of shock. I was unable to relax or properly enjoy things I used to love. I tried a lot of different things to help me relax, but nothing made much of difference. I felt a huge sense of responsibility as a mother to my two girls and felt like I was failing them.
I didn’t feel sad and I never cried, but rather felt like I was in a state of shock. I was unable to relax or properly enjoy things I used to love.
The worst symptom of postpartum anxiety (PPA) for me was insomnia. It was brutal. I always felt anxious and was unable to relax. At night I was so exhausted, but because of the anxiety, I couldn’t relax enough to get to sleep and if I did manage to get to sleep, I had difficulty staying asleep. I didn’t have the energy to concentrate on read a book or do much else, so the night would be spent tossing in bed feeling incredibly overwhelmed, alone and worried how I would cope with a newborn and a busy toddler the next day with yet another night of little sleep. I would find some relief by praying, calling my mum (who lived in a different time zone) and listening to relaxing music.
Soph: How did it affect your ability to be a mum?
Aimee: Because I was so tired and overwhelmed, I got to the point after about six weeks, where I felt that I just wanted to run away. I loved my girls and my husband so much, and I felt so much responsibility for my girls that I would never have done it (even a night away would be too difficult for me to do), but I just wanted to be out of myself and what I was going through at the time. I didn’t have much emotional energy (or physical energy!) to look after my toddler the way I wanted to and as she is very intuitive, it also affected her and she became quite clingy and needy.
Soph: So what led you to seek treatment?
Aimee: A midwife who saw me in the week after E’s birth gave me some good advice. She said it was normal to feel emotional and fragile and to struggle in those first two weeks. But that if the same struggles continue past those first two weeks, it’s not normal.
Because we were trying a lot of things to help me (my husband gave me time out to myself, we got a helper in a few mornings a week to look after our toddler, and PH would take E from 8-11pm to give me time to try and sleep) and because initially we didn’t know if it was the sleep deprivation causing anxiety or the anxiety causing sleep deprivation, it was still another month before I got to the point that I realised I needed more help. Part of the problem was that it wasn’t classic PPD (I had bonded with my baby and I wasn’t sad or down), so I was at a loss to know where to turn for help. My primary care doctor said the only thing to help me to sleep would be a drug that would knock me out completely and I didn’t want to do that while I was breastfeeding a newborn.
Finally, after multiple nights without much sleep, my husband and I agreed that something was definitely wrong. I found a great website that helps women in the postpartum period, discovered that PPA exists, and found a local contact who directed me towards a psychiatrist specialising in postpartum care, who was able to get me on to the right medication.
At first, I didn’t believe that medication would be so helpful in overcoming PPA. I really thought I would never sleep well again! But over a period of weeks, the medication built up in my system, I found myself able to relax, to enjoy life, and miraculously, to sleep well again. I was careful not just to rely on medication as the perfect cure (although I don’t believe I would have recovered the way I did without it!), so I also did other things to help my recovery. In particular, I started exercising almost daily, and continued to take time to do things I enjoyed and found relaxing. I also saw two therapists in the following months – one who was a Christian and helped me understand God’s love and kindness to me, and another who specialised in postpartum care.
Soph: How would you compare your life now to when you were suffering from postpartum anxiety?
Aimee: I love being mum to our two girls. I get stressed sometimes, but I don’t get overwhelmed with anxiety and I’m not scared of what my day will bring. I sleep well and am able to relax and enjoy life. I’m also more compassionate and understanding of others who are going through similar things, and I’m gentler and kinder to myself as a mother.
Soph: What advice would you give to those who know someone with postpartum anxiety?
Aimee: First of all, tell her you love her. And keep telling her that. I would also strongly advise trying to get them in contact with their local postpartum support network (Postpartum Support International has links to networks that run around the world). Her local network should be able to get her in touch with other mums in their area who have survived a postpartum mood disorder and also with doctors and therapists who specialise in this area. This is very important as many doctors don’t understand how to help women suffering postpartum depression, especially if they are breastfeeding.
I’m also more compassionate and understanding of others who are going through similar things, and I’m gentler and kinder to myself as a mother.
I think there is a lack of understanding about the different ‘faces’ of PPD, and how common it is. Postpartum depression is only one in a spectrum of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. With my second child, I had what is better known as postpartum anxiety, rather than classic postpartum depression. There are also other related illnesses. You can find out more here. It affects 12-20% of new mums and it doesn’t help if your doctor is not aware of these different forms, or is not familiar with the best research on medication.
Practical help is also really important. For me, this meant people telling me they were praying for me regularly, cooking meals for me, driving me to appointments early on (I was too sleep deprived to drive safely at that point) and looking after my eldest so that I could make the most out of therapy appointments.
Soph: How are you a different person as a result of what you’ve been through?
Aimee: It taught me that I am weaker than I think. That I can suffer an illness I thought I could fight off. That I need help beyond myself. It also taught me that I am stronger than I think. That with the right help, I can survive postpartum anxiety/depression and learn through the experience.
It taught me that I can trust God, even if He doesn’t heal me immediately. That He is gracious and loves me and provides for me in unexpected ways. It taught me to understand others who suffer mental illness. It taught me that even when I can’t provide for my children, the God who loves them even more than I do will look after me and will look after them.
Aimee blogs at Aimee’s Anecdotes. For more information on postpartum anxiety, visit Postpartum Support International. For information on anxiety in general, visit BeyondBlue and ReachOut.
